You might know that the Blockbuster here in Hatfield has the delightful task of selling off ex-rental DVDs, videos and games. I am very happy about this, as a veritable cascade of so-cheap-it-is-silly Playstation 2 games keeps my thumbs occupied in the evenings.
Some games are good, some games are bad.
Example: 'Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell' for £2.99? Bargain. Cutting edge gameplay, thrilling plot, amazing lighting and visuals, gadgets, stealth, the whole lot. Brilliant.
Another Example: 'Knockout Kings 2001' for £2.99? Not so much of a bargain. Punch punch, ding ding. Oh look. I'm Mohammed Ali. *momentary interest* Punch punch, ding ding.
The one which is currently occupying centre stage is, I am unashamed to say, 'Harry Potter: Quidditch World Cup'.
What?
It was cheap.
In the Harry Potter books, the wizardly game of Quidditch is very handy.
Two games of sorts go on in one match. One game has goals at each end of the pitch, and points can be scored by the opposing teams, and at the same time, in the other game which bears no connection to the goalscoring, a member of each team is looking to catch something which gains their team a big bundle of points and, usually, wins them the match regardless of the score in the game with goals.
It's an avid interest and hobby for young Harry, and for Ms Rowling, it provides something where there can be a lot of intrigue and whatnot and Mr. Potter can emerge as the hero no matter what.
Fair enough.
Transferring this to a video game must have been interesting. Okay, so there's the techniques and gameplay with trying to score goals, which game programmers can do very well, and they have done with this game.
But scoring goals doesn't get you the Golden Snitch, and it doesn't win you the game...so what's the point of it?
The programmers thought long and hard about this one, I'm betting, and came up with a boost bar. What you do in the goalscoring section of the match either gains or loses boost for you or the other team. When both teams' combined boost equals a certain level, then the race for the snitch starts, and the team with the most boost has a big advantage.
Which, you'd think, solves all the problems.
The team which was doing better in the goalscoring gets an advantage when going for the Snitch.
BUT NO.
BLOODY HELL, NO.
It's so frustrating...even if it is on the hardest setting, because there seems to be no rhyme or reason to it all.
I keep the play entirely in my opponent's half.
I score goal after goal after goal, and the opposing team gets more boost than me.
Why?
I've figured this out.
Because the COMPUTER IS CHEATING.
What actually happens is something like this, as narrated by the commentators, Ludo Bagman and some Frenchwoman:
Ludo: Well it's a lovely day here in the Nordic Team's National Stadium, for the match between England and The Nordic Team. My co-commentator today will be the woman from the 'FIRE ZE MISSILES' animation.
Frenchie: Zere is SO MUCH ICE ere in ze Nordic Team Nassional Stadium! I luff EVERYTHING about ze ice!
Ludo: Thank you Frenchie, today's match will be refereed by Urs Meier.
*start of play*
Ludo: And they're off. *beat* England take possession. *beat* long pass *beat* What a goal!Frenchie: Oooooh, I am LOVING le Quidditch! Le sigh!
Ludo: Long pass from the Nordic Team's keeper. England take it. They need to keep hold of the quaffle.
Frenchie: Ooooh, 'e is SUCH A GOOD TACKLER!
Ludo: Quick pass *beat* he flips it *beat* and it's good! No doubt about that one! England lead by twenty!
Frenchie: Just watching 'im play is making me LE TIRED!
*this continues for quite some time, until, when England are 140 points up...*
Frenchie: ...and so I sed to 'im, 'But I am LE TIRED,' and 'e sed, 'Okay, take a nap-
Ludo: I'm going to have to interrupt you there, that was a great save from The Nordic Team's Keeper. Quick pass *beat* quick pass *beat* bullet pass *beat* long pass *beat* short pass-
Frenchie: Zeir passing is SO GOOD!
Ludo: Save from the English Keeper. Oh look! The Seekers have spotted the Golden Snitch!
*The Nordic Team got 90% boost in the last twenty seconds without scoring a goal*
Frenchie: Ze Nordic Team ave A BIG ADVANTAGE 'ere.
Ludo: They certainly do. Oh, and she's grabbed the snitch! The Nordic Team are victorious!
Stuart: Shititty fuck wank arse bollocks!
Ludo: This game is meant for ages seven and up, thank you.
Stuart: Sorry.
Frenchie: 'e is SO CRUDE!
You know what gets you boost?
PASSING.
Which is crap.
But I'm still playing.
I forked out £2.99 for it.
So basically no matter how low the price is, you're still paying other people in order to punish yourself. Right?
I knew you'd see it that way.
It's just challenging!
This, surely, is further evidence of the existence of "Computer Bul*sh*t Factor", first seen (by me at least) in Emlyn Hughes International Soccer (or EHIS) on the Spectrum, but continued onto Kick off, Kick off 2 and even, occasionally, Sensible Soccer.
Course, none of our combined complaints against CBF have anything against the afternoon we managed to convince mate Jason that, on the Amiga, you could run over the leg of an outstretched tackle and then press P to appeal for a penalty.
You sort of had to be there, mind.