Improv

Um, hi.

At this point in time, I do not know what to write. Peering back over the mist-coiled archives of the last year or so, you may find this difficult to believe. I'm always spouting rubbish, serving coffee, proposing impractical measures for the future of mankind or just sticking my nose in where it isn't wanted.

So right now I feel like I'm standing centre stage in front of a red curtain backdrop, in a spotlight with a too tight-collar and tie with a heavy grey jacket that I'm beginning to regret because of the heat of the footlights...

Um, hi there. Glad you could all make it. Anyone have difficulty with the traffic on the way here? No? Well, uh, get those crazy traffic-organising guys. Really know their stuff, huh. Um.

You know my friend Wally told me that er, the internet was a pretty tough audience, I guess he was right...er...not that I mean you're tough, er, you know? You guys are great, obviously, um, yeah, great.

*pulls out cue cards*

Well times like this remind me of the time I was in a bar with my friend Wally. really great guy, you know? Good friend, anyway. He was telling me about these two guys he knows down the pool hall he drinks with sometimes...not all the time, o'course, 'cause he drinks with me some nights, but I'm not getting a whole bundle of gigs at the moment, so I can't afford to hit the bars like we used to when we both worked in Accounts, it's not that I regret the move, but you know, things are a little tighter financially and I have to give up a few luxuries...sorry, yeah, anyway, these two guys Wally knows.

No, no no, um. Hahahaha. No. Anyway.

There are these two women on their way home after a big night out, yeah? Only they couldn't get a taxi and they've been walking for ages and they really need to take a leak. They can't just squat down in the street, but they pass a graveyard and nip inside. Neither of them have anything to wipe with but one of them uses here underwear and throws it away, and the other one, seeing the big leaves, decides to use a bit of a funeral wreath, okay?

Anyway, these two guys, um, who don't know Wally at all really, but I thought that might be a good angle for a joke, but it doesn't really work sorry I should have run through this bit before the show ahahahaha. These two guys, anyway, are sitting in a bar looking really, really hacked off, like really pissed off.

One of them says, "I think something's going on. My wife came home last night without her underwear."
And the other one says, "You think you've got problems. My wife came home last night with a card wedged in her ass saying 'From all the boys at the fire station, we'll never forget you'."

How about that, huh? Huh? How about it.
Jeez.
Uh.

Anyone from Pittsburgh in the audience tonight?